Our yes has no value when we cant say no.
The YES NO exercise of giving and receiving.
The intent of this exercise for couples is to separate out giving and receiving into two separate roles. This supports informed consent with touch and has the rewarding potential for each have the experience of being “total” in each role without split attention which leads to distraction and lack of presence in intimacy.
Its the most simple way of deepening intimacy with roles being clearly defined for each to trust in and inhabit. Many difficulties come up in intimacy with both parties trying to give and receive at the same time with lack of clarity in roles. In split attention, there is the possibility of determining what happens with the body from the head which is not necessarily in tune with body feeling. Split attention also keeps us in action roles which inhibits relaxation into the body mind where all the pleasure is.
The aim is for the receiver to relax into arousal with the body trusting and letting go of self protection strategies.
This liberates women into trusting into receptivity. If women enter into intimacy without being relaxed, stimulating arousal can potentially trigger any anxiety held in the body memory and close the receptivity to pleasure.
Practice saying NO and playing with NO in different ways so that when No is used in live intimacy the trigger into feelings of rejection is not so easily fallen into.
No is not a rejection but simply a communication of what the receiver is not wanting to receive and is separate from the feelings of self worth of the giver. It does not serve anybody when a person says yes to protect the feelings of rejection of the other. The giver and the receiver can find them selves in a make believe reality that betrays their body’s authenticity and intuition. When a person can easily say No, their yes can be trusted more easily.
Take it in turns to describe to each other three things you would like to do to them or give them. The receiver in this game says NO each time whether the invitation is appealing or not. This can be playful experimenting saying no to things that might be pleasurable. In this process both parties are tuning into each others authentic Yes AND No in this No game.
Its important that statements are not questions as this provokes the receiver to go into their head with their yes or no.
Statements are best received with authenticity when they are shared as desires. e.g. “I would really love to hugs you” “I would like to stroke your hair” “I feel like kissing your cheek” “I would like to make you a cup of tea"
This is very different to “Can I hug you?” “Can I stroke your hair” “Can i kiss your cheek” “Would you like a cup of tea?"
When a person expresses a desire without attachment to the answer, the receiver can yield or not yield and the response is more likely to be coming from the body rather than the head. Body responses in intimacy are where the authenticity is. Expressing our desires can sometimes open fears of how they will be received so just notice if this comes up for you and be kind with yourself. Try out expressing safe desires first until you are more confident with each other with exploring new territory.
This exercise has the potential to liberate us from adaptive intimacy and the giver can trust that what he or she is giving is wanted and the receiver is liberated into receiving what feels natural.
When you have both done this exercise, reflect with each other what happened.
Do the same exercise, offering 3 statements of desire rather than questions and this time the receiver answers YES or NO while listening to what feels natural without this leading into any action. Saying YES or NO when there is no carry through is different to there being a carry through into action. This is the journey into deepening intimacy communication before moving into touch.
Reflect together what happened.
THE TWO TYPES OF TOUCH
GIVING. This is giving only what the receiver requests or says yes to.
ABSORBING. This is giving for ones own pleasure directed from body intuition. This type of touch requires the giver to trust into their body intuition and for the receiver (ALLOWER) to feel relaxed to trust in receiving. When we are touched with deep presence, our bodies open. The opposite is true when a person touches another in a taking way that is directed from fantasy or ideas.
PRACTICE these two types of touch on each others arms, with a timer for five minutes each, taking it in turns to
GIVE and RECEIVE
ABSORB and ALLOW
Reflect together what happened.
You are now ready to explore STEP 4 with the YIN YANG game of giving and receiving touch.
Set the timer for the same amount of time each way to take it in turns to GIVE and RECEIVE noticing when it is ABSORBING or ALLOWING experimenting and exploring with these.
Decide together on the amount of interrupted time you can set aside for this.. e.g. Five minutes each or an hour each. It is important that the two experiences are directly follow on from each other with NO break in-between.
YANG asks for what they want and YIN yields or does not yield to YANGS expressions of what he or she wants. Practice asking to ABSORB, GIVE, ALLOW or RECEIVE something.
YIN can say YES or NO to YANGS requests listening to what feels natural. When YIN is saying NO, its helpful to give an alternative to keep the energy moving.
Choose who is YIN or YANG first and with these clear roles you have to potential to liberate your intimacy from confusion. There is the opportunity to FULLY give, receive, allow or absorb and to deepen communication and understanding each other in intimacy. Once you are both familiar with the different roles with deepening awareness of intuition, tuning into each other and the different types of giving and receiving touch, this practice for couples can transform the minefield of intimacy into relaxation.
Sometimes its hard to ask for what we want especially after a habit of doing what the other wants but getting lonely with not being met. If you feel stuck, ask for something simple, it does not have to be sexual or involve touch. To get the ball rolling, It could be for example “I would love to be read a story” or “I feel like having a cup of tea” or “I want a hot bath” and your YIN can do these things for you if they feel a yes.